Stepping Out Scared: A Leap Beyond What I Can See
I realized I never truly wrote this down.
Perhaps because it is so hard to put an experience this profound into words, it was ineffable, life-changing in ways only the heart could fully comprehend, transforming me from the inside out.
My journey began late in 2023. As the year drew to a close, I thought I had already missed the deadline to apply for the short-term mission trip to Cambodia. Truthfully, I was hesitant. I wrestled with whether I was even qualified to "go," feeling undeserving of taking part in the Great Commission because of my past.
That imposter syndrome was overwhelmingly real. I was terrified of so many things. But most of all, I feared speaking publicly about my faith and about Jesus, especially in front of young people.
What if I say the wrong thing?
I don't have Scripture memorized.
What if I forget the verse?
How can I communicate in another language when I struggle to speak with confidence in my own language?
I was afraid they would see right through me, and I felt like a fraud. Insecurity weighed heavily on me as I compared myself to the rest of the team, who had been in ministry much longer than I had. What could I possibly offer them?
Had I given in to those doubts, I would have withdrawn my application. I would have missed out on connecting with my spiritual family, missed the trip of a lifetime, and bypassed God’s purpose for my life. I would have remained trapped in the same mindset and bound by the same insecurities. I never would have taken that bold step of faith; the very step that transformed my heart and life completely.
So, I stepped out scared.
Along the way, God constantly reminded me that He is with me always, in every possible way. He was present in my doubt, my feelings of inadequacy, my fear, the logistical snags, the financial hurdles, and the difficult decisions.
Yet He was equally present in the breakthroughs. In meeting my brothers and sisters for the first time, during the planning stages, through the generous support of family and friends, in the unexpected blessings, and in the profound hope that sharing what Jesus has done for us would impact the nation we were stepping into.
Taking this bold step did not mean smooth sailing. It demanded trust and obedience when plans shifted, when conflicts arose, and when our character and relationships were tested, pushing us to persevere as a team.
There were moments during the mission when I nearly gave up because my vision felt blurred and I couldn't discern what God wanted from me. Frustration spilled over into anger, and pride began to anchor itself in my heart.
Even then, God's faithfulness remained steadfast. When I tried to retreat into isolation, He met me there through a child’s warm embrace, offering the exact comfort and encouragement I needed to keep going.
In the days that followed, He revealed a purpose tailored specifically to how He made me. He transformed my fear of speaking into a creative expression of His glory, using my artworks and my skills as an art teacher as a testimony that He can work through anyone, even me.
He even took my past and turned it into a testament to His grace and mercy. His compassion saved me from myself. He forgave a sinner like me and enabled me to live for Him: to share Him, stand for Him, and bring Him glory.
What started in fear and self-doubt pulled me out of my comfort zone, propelled me to take a leap of faith, and guided me into complete surrender to His will.
I may not know where He will lead me next, but my hope rests firmly in Him, reaching far beyond what my eyes can see, anchored in the truth of His promises.
This Missions Month, may we all be empowered to take the bold steps He has planted in our hearts: to share Jesus with the world and reflect God’s loving-kindness to every nation.
Written by:
Diane Agutaya
CCF Beyond Volunteer